*Jersey

“Wow Bella! You look good! Have you lost weight?”

“I guess I must have, everybody keeps commenting on it.”

“You look really good. I mean, not that you were fat before, but shit girl, you look good.”

“Aww, thanks.”

“Like, really fucking good!”

“…Thanks. You’ve lost a lot of weight too!”

“Yeah, Mike* told me that I was getting fat so I decided to lose a couple pounds. I look fucking hot right?”

“Yeah, definitely. So how did you lose the weight?”

“Dope.”

I stared, dumbstruck for a moment. “Well, I guess it’s been working for you.”

“Fuck yeah. But I’m not addicted or anything. If I start spending any more than $20 a day I’ll quit.”

“We all have our limits I guess.”

“Yeah, I handle it pretty well. Like, Rose* was talking about doing it and I told her not to. She would just go crazy, you know? Just wile-the-fuck-out, you know? I’m used to this shit so I can deal. Bella, I’ve been making so much fucking money.”

“That’s really great.”

“Yeah. So how did you lose your weight?”

“Um, I guess since I left school I’ve just been more activ-“

“Yeah, that’s cool. Dope’s so easy though. I mean I’ve been making so much fucking money. I think I’ll get my son back from my mom.”

“…you have a son?”


*Just a side note, yes this conversation ACTUALLY occurred. I had danced with this girl for months and had never once heard her mention her son. This dancer in particular was one of the more fucked up people I worked with and I always felt a mixture of pity and disgust for her. Pity, because she had such obviously low self-esteem and disgust because she was one of the people who made my job harder by offering extras in the back room.

Binging Again...

I haven't done this shit in a while.

Stress from moving, worries about starting a new school, and fighting with my boyfriend have been making me binge-eat like crazy. I really thought that I had gotten control of my eating habits, but apparently stress can still make me go off the deep end.

Despite good feelings about my new college, I've been eating WAY too fucking much. I can't start starving myself again though. I've come way too far. I'm so much happier with my body now, I can't let binging fuck it all up.

I don't want to be fat. I don't want to over-eat. I hate how food takes such control of my life during times of upheaval. I just want to be okay. And I want to be skinny for my first day of classes... (especially if I want to try out at a club soon.)