I'm not dead

Things are moving very quickly in my life right now, and I'm frustrated that I haven't had the time to update. I now have a back-log of information that will probably (knowing me) never make it into this journal.

But, I am back from Montreal, and I had an absolutely wonderful time there. I met my favorite author (SQUEE) and had him sign a work of short fiction that he wrote.

I am now an official resident of Washington DC. I'm currently sitting in a mostly empty, half-painted, studio apartment less than a mile away from my college. I'm terrified of the loneliness I may feel, but I'm excited for school to begin. I want a purpose again. Most of this summer I have felt like I've been drifting. No real job to speak of, and no school to keep me productive has meant an increasingly common feeling of malaise and malcontent. I will be glad for this to be over.

There are several strip clubs near me, but I'd like to see how much school work I have before jumping into dancing again. I really really really hope that I'll have the time. DC is an expensive city, and I can't keep running up to Philly every time I need some cash. Hahahaha I guess I could get a "real" job, but if I don't have time for stripping I doubt Ill have tie for a part-time job... you know, the lac of flexible hours in a normal job really sucks.

But, I plan on updating more frequently, sharing more of my past stories of dancing and hopefully a few more people will start reading this, despite my obvious lack of creative ability.

I'm in Montreal bitch!

its raining and I'm kind of drunk

onto the botanical gardens tomorrow.

I'd update more but nobody reads this... oh well

Working again!

And making pretty god money! Not as good as I would've liked but I try not to be greedy. If I walk away from this weekend having made $800 I'll be very happy.

It was interesting falling back into the routine of dancing last night. Walking through he dressing room I was hit by waves of deja vu. I made $380 last night, and that's pretty good for me. If I had stayed until close I would have definitely cleared $400.... but I guess thats life.

A lot of the dancers I knew have left, and the ones who are still there only remembered me after some reminding. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but  it's still odd having to reintroduce yourself to an entire club.

Last night (like every night) was full of interesting customers, including H., a redneck from Oklahoma who fell madly in love with me by the end of the night, and J., a high school English teacher who repeatedly asked me if I thought I was better than the other dancers working.

I get his type alot. The guys who love to tell me how smart I am, and how much better I am than all the other girls. Guys who like to say things like "Wow, you look like girls I hang out with," subtly implying that we could realistically be friends despite the fact that they're 30+ and married. I never know what to make of these guys. Are they good-hearted but generally misguided, or are they just arrogant douches? I don't know.

Stripping has certainly jaded me to men. Daily objectification isn't good for one's faith in humanity, but despite it all, I still enjoy it and I will be going in again tonight. I'm just glad I have a wonderful man in my life already who routinely reminds me of the good in the opposite gender.

This weekend

I'll be heading back up to Philly for two nights working at my old club.

I miss the money, the glamor, the feeling of empowerment. I'll be staying with a friend who I met working, and who still works there. It promises to be a rip-roaring good time with much drunkenness for all. Unfortunately, parking in the city is super expensive and I'll probably end up spending close to $60 for parking and highway tolls (not to mention gas). It puts a bit of pressure on me to make enough cash to justify the trip, but maybe that'll just improve my hustle.

I have two new outfits, I'm in as good or better shape as when I left, and I have a friend to help me make money. I'm feeling pretty positive about the whole thing. Wish me luck and lotsa financial success.

On a totally separate note, I've started packing for my move to DC and it's really fucking with my head. Moving is making me really look at what's most important to me in my life, and how much of that I want to bring with me.

The idea of living alone with no roommate or family members is a little scary, not because of concerns for my own safety, but because I've never done it before. I'm a creature of contact, I need human relation and I'm terrified that living alone will push me farther into the solitude I've found myself growing accustomed to. I feel oddly alone right now, and I can't decide if it's a bad thing.

Maybe its time for me to do something on my own. Maybe its time that I learn how to be alone without completely self-destructing. Maybe its time for me to learn how to balance solitude with a social life. Up until now I've always been either super social or totally removed from society. Finding balance is something I've never been able to do. Maybe now I'll have to.

I know, I know

Never ever meet a customer outside of the club. Never give a customer your phone number. Never let a customer drive you home... etc etc etc

These are the rules, and I have never broken them... except once.

I tentatively went out to dinner with B. the other night and he was an absolute gentleman. I was pleasantly surprised. He took me out to a 5 star restaurant, opened all doors for me, and treated me like a goddamn princess. He knows that I have a steady boyfriend whom I love very much, and he knows that I will not stray. He didn't put the moves on me, and insisted he merely wanted to be friends.

Maybe I'm naive, but I believe him.

More to come on B.

Chubby Stripper

Walking into the club, I am confident. I have a cute outfit with me, my hair is newly dyed, and my makeup is wonderful.

A bouncer tells me to get changed and follow him onto the floor. I sit by the bar and wait for someone to come tell me when I’ll go up to audition. The dancer onstage (I think her name was Isis) is thin, with small pert breasts and a tight athletic butt. I look down at my soft, pale stomach and fidget.

No matter, I’m just a different type of beautiful. Not necessarily athletic, but soft, curvy and feminine. I sit, a bouncer offers me water, which I accept and do not drink. Another dancer begins her routine. Similar in build to Isis, this girl is thicker through the torso, but with larger breasts. She too has a toned stomach and tight ass.

I slowly begin to realize that I am undeniably the largest girl in this club. There are girls here with pouting bellies and sagging breasts, but none with the amount of fat that I have. The longer I wait, the larger my thighs seem to become, and the manager keeps me waiting for close to an hour.

Looking around I realize the chances of me being hired are slim, but all the same I strike up a conversation with a customer, flirting to the best of my ability, and showing anyone who may have been watching that I could hustle and that I could make them money.

I audition to Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie. It is one of my favorite songs to dance to, but even it couldn’t kill my self-doubt. During that one song, I felt more self-conscious than I did my first night dancing.

The bouncer told me that they’d “give me a call.” I’m not stupid, I know what that means.

Israel Pictures

Israel was amazing... I wish I could write all my experiences and impressions, but that would take weeks. More than anything though, Israel just reminded me how great and beautiful the world can be, and how some things are still untamed.
Nothing makes you feel smaller than standing in the middle of the desert.