I am not Barbie

I do not want Ken, or a dream house, or three best friends each of a different ethnicity.

So why do I want to look like her?

I'm a real person. I have a soft stomach and jiggly thighs. I'm pale. Right now, I am the most tan I have virtually ever been.

I'm not currently being paid to be naked, so why do I still care about being perfect? When it was all about making money, my low self-esteem and perfectionist nature just seemed like good business sense. Now, it is, once again, another manifestation of my intensely low self-esteem.

I need to come to terms with myself. And not just physically.

Look Through Me

When you look at me, remember, I’m not looking back at you. Oh, it may seem like you have my full attention as I slither around on stage, or while I sit curled in your lap, but really, I’m not looking at you. I’m looking through you.

On stage I look through you to the mirror behind your head. While I give you my sexy eyes, I check my reflection right next to your head. I pout, and sway, and pose, and check myself. My hair, my clothes, my body. I am not looking at you.

In your lap I look through your head. I let my eyes relax, my pupils dilate. I give you a blank, inviting stare, smiling like a doll. I think about all the money I will make. I visualize my will melting over you like warm butter. I impose my desires on you. I make you think that what I want is really what you want. I stare through you and tell you that you want a dance. You agree.

Not that anyone does

but if you read this, and have a twitter, feel free to follow me!

www.twitter.com/fragilebella

Binging Again...

I haven't done this shit in a while.

Stress from moving, worries about starting a new school, and fighting with my boyfriend have been making me binge-eat like crazy. I really thought that I had gotten control of my eating habits, but apparently stress can still make me go off the deep end.

Despite good feelings about my new college, I've been eating WAY too fucking much. I can't start starving myself again though. I've come way too far. I'm so much happier with my body now, I can't let binging fuck it all up.

I don't want to be fat. I don't want to over-eat. I hate how food takes such control of my life during times of upheaval. I just want to be okay. And I want to be skinny for my first day of classes... (especially if I want to try out at a club soon.)

I'm not dead

Things are moving very quickly in my life right now, and I'm frustrated that I haven't had the time to update. I now have a back-log of information that will probably (knowing me) never make it into this journal.

But, I am back from Montreal, and I had an absolutely wonderful time there. I met my favorite author (SQUEE) and had him sign a work of short fiction that he wrote.

I am now an official resident of Washington DC. I'm currently sitting in a mostly empty, half-painted, studio apartment less than a mile away from my college. I'm terrified of the loneliness I may feel, but I'm excited for school to begin. I want a purpose again. Most of this summer I have felt like I've been drifting. No real job to speak of, and no school to keep me productive has meant an increasingly common feeling of malaise and malcontent. I will be glad for this to be over.

There are several strip clubs near me, but I'd like to see how much school work I have before jumping into dancing again. I really really really hope that I'll have the time. DC is an expensive city, and I can't keep running up to Philly every time I need some cash. Hahahaha I guess I could get a "real" job, but if I don't have time for stripping I doubt Ill have tie for a part-time job... you know, the lac of flexible hours in a normal job really sucks.

But, I plan on updating more frequently, sharing more of my past stories of dancing and hopefully a few more people will start reading this, despite my obvious lack of creative ability.

I'm in Montreal bitch!

its raining and I'm kind of drunk

onto the botanical gardens tomorrow.

I'd update more but nobody reads this... oh well